Merry Christmas

It's time once again to exercise my fingers and type a bit of grateful praying. I had a fabulous "family" Christmas.. totally gay! Yes!

As I sit here I am viewing Venus from my window. I think it's Venus...probably Mars...men are from Mars, women from Venus....it's Venus! Yes! So I say anyway!

I'm missing her...I've been with her four nights in a roll...I was babysitting a cat earlier when I got home and that actually helped. I miss them both now!

I am grateful for this wonderful holiday season spent with many loving friends. I have much to be grateful for and I am. Great friends, good health, pain free days, pain free activities, peaceful, restful nights. I can sleep on caffeine so I guess it was the energy drinks that had me jumpy during the night. Oh well!

I am so grateful for my safety, my loves, my lover, I wishes being granted, my dreams come true!

I'm looking forward to speaking with one of

my spirit guides Wednesday.. I hope some things get straightened out for me..
Brr.. it's cold .. I'm tired of winter already.

I'm thanking the universe for all of my many blessings of painful exercise, and working out.. and riding. That's for all of my many blessings, good health, safe times, safe activities. Thanks for it all.

I thank the universe for my youthfulness, my wisdom, my loving heart, the fact that I care about people, I'm grateful for love in my life.. for the closeness. I only wished she loved me too! She could just very well be pushing me away.. further and further...

missing her..

and I just sent her an email...telling her so..

I said I'm sitting here on your floor chair, in your spot, keeping warm burning your wood and missing you. It's all here but you!

I asked if she could come over.. soon for dinner..

It's late and I know she is sleeping now already..we have magic together.
So, yes, I am missing her. I think she'll enjoy my email..

Today was magical too in another way! The temperature outside was 20 degrees with a light freezing rain, but in doors warm and wonderful and bright filled with friends and love. I visited a friend in the hospital, went to a movie with another, spoke with my love, and chatted with another friend and offered to help her get her new iPhone turned up if she has troubles. Oh I forgot to mention.. I walked to my friends' and clear off her car and her two neighbors.

Now, I wish to thank my special spirit guides Emma, Ezekiel, Edy and Georgette to ever spiritual presence guide and protects me. I am so grateful! And I'll return favors willingly. I do wish to be more clairvoyant, more intuitive, and enhance my ESP skills. I already dream my day and recreate my own realities....and don't we all? So that is really nothing really very new is it! I'm young, very young! Youthful, brilliant, looked up to, admired. I am most talents and my artiest abilities are endless and even surprising to me because they all come so naturally to me. I just do it!

Never think about .. not be able to do something.. just do it! You know like Nike says.."Just Do It!"

I ran a 5k on Sunday morning.. and today and yesterday.. nothing.. so I must do it all tomorrow.. swim, bike, run on the treadmill..all inside because tomorrow will be another nasty, wintry day.

So, I thank the universe..I and two other friends have appointments next week to visit with Ezekiel..as he is channeled. It's been over a year.. I knew I would get the appointments.. I felt it! Life is because I have heavenly spirits watching over me and guiding me along the way. I wonder who that moth is, that is flying around my condo? I also hate to go after it. I wonder when he got in here...late summer? Fall? And where's he been hiding.. and is he one of my spirit guides.. coming to get a better look? He flew right over me.. earlier I saw him near the over-the-counter kitchen light. I guess he's been there all day..that is.. until I turned on more lights after it got dark out.

I love my friends and I feel very blessed to have so many..such wonderful talented, smart, warm, fun, good people.

I'm getting tired now..ready for bed so I can get up early to finish a sculpturing project I am working on which will be a gift.. so I need to hustle.. I think I've sculptured enough with files and now I need to begin using sandpapers to smooth into a shine.. can't wait.

I hope I get to the gym tomorrow...already promised my friend I would run a few errands with her tomorrow morning. And want to visit my friend who is in the hospital!

Well, between sculpturing and holding my sax while I play.. my right thumb is getting a work out.. hurts. Hey, it's not that bad! I just need to rest it a bit! Today I didn't get a chance to play.. my neighbors were home..and I wasn't home much either. I make sure my neighbors are not home but gone before I play my sax..

This laptop is getting hot on my lap..oh well, my fire is going out ..time for bed! Tomorrow's will be another magical day filled with good healthy food, good friends, love, art, my love.. I miss her but will see her very soon! Very soon!

It's difficult.. to speak about love

because sometimes we are afraid, well I am. I think she is too. She doesn't like when people ask how long it's been, or how we met. It's bad luck!

She wants us to be "complete"! I'm welling! She's so loving. I love what she does to me.. sometimes I get in my own way of coming to terms...sometimes I'm my own worse enemy.. but we'll muddle through I suppose. All I know is that I love what she does to me. I miss her and it's only been one day. I can't wait to see her again..to sleep with her.

So, I'm thanking the universe for my gift. Yes, Edy and Georgetta and Ezekiel and I'm sure Emma came through. We do get what we want and what we need.. if we ask. If we plan it. Personally, I begged and demanded!

I thank the universe for my love, loves and lover. I am grateful for my many blessings, gifts, and magical days, wonderful days. Now, I ask the universe to allow me to step out of the way of myself.. out of the way of my troubled, abused past into the present...into me, into her, into us.

Complete! I'll try very hard. Please help me. Please be there for me. Please help me to speak correctly and pronounce correctly and think before I speak. Please hold my eagerness, impatience, my laser temper. Please give me that sense of calm and cool and brilliance and eloquent speech, thoughts and vocabulary. And youthfulness, agility, flexibly, power, strength, intelligent, quickness of wit and pace. Help me impress her and myself. I've learned from the past. help me put it into practice.
And remember, I'm under 40! And thanks for that! I'm healthy, wealthy and wise..just as intended for this journey... and youthful! And brilliant! And full of energy! Loved and loving. And please keep all my loves healthy, wealthy and wise. I can't imagine my life without them. Thanks. And please take care of Emma! She's the best! I miss her! I always had time and energy and love for Emma! My protector.. my guard dog spirit!

I am so glad...

she is still around and loves me.. anyway I hope she still does. I promise to turn a new leaf and be accessible for her and hers - for her friends and family!

I am here (there, where ever, for her). Anyway, I'm very glad she didn't dump me!

Thanks so much to my magical master spirit guides, Emma, Ezekiel, Edy and Georgette. You are all magical and spiritual and angelic. Thanks for guiding me and leading me through my own short-coming so I come out in a more possitive.. advanced, loving, gifted way. You know I need all the help I can get!

So it's so wonderful to have her back. I hope and pray and do her right this time. I messed up. I have a big mouth and I was short, selfish and apparently unloving.. but I'm not really and I can prove it!

I miss her. I can't wait to see her tomorrow evening! We'll have wonderful dinner and an evening in front of the fire!

Love is good..

It's October 4, 2008. Fall already! We've dated since around Pride. I love her! What not to love? She's sweet, easy going, happy, good spirited, friendly. And she doesn't nit pick me.

I was hung over this morning and didn't go along to the Route Celebration. They had fun! She sait it was warm. I was zapped of energy probably because I ran 12 miles yesterday, was probably dehydrated and tried to drink two bottles of wine myself, I think! I'm better now. I wasted a whole day! I've learned my lesson - I think!

Water - it's the best drink! Water and less food - being hungry keeps us young? Yes, I heard that on the discovery channel. So, you know it's correct!

I'm done now. I am feeling better emotionally. All that wine may be emotionally, teary eyed and foolish in public! Did I mention also depressed! Yes, I was depressed this morning and most of the day. The effects finally wore off or SAM-E finally kicked in. I feel more hopeful and happy and loved... she called me this evening. Sometimes I don't feel worth of love! Probably because it felt that I could not ever please at home when I was a kid. No hugs, no kisses, no encouragement, no signs of laugher or joy. They never seemed happy.

So, those are my demons of the past that I periodically struggle with. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I think I should be stronger. Get over it!

Time for bed - not much sleep last night. She's tired too! I think we had four hours, 2 bottles, and little food!

WE had a wonderful evening..

What can I say - wonderful!

Doing Great!

I'll see her tomorrow evening! This evening I had yoga class and she cut her lawn. I'm tired now it's late but I'm tired and awake. I have so much to do. My mind races. Guess I could sleep for a bit then get up and do more.

I've become a political news junkie listening to NPR all day long. Well, they have had such great guests on the show like Bob Woodward suggesting his new book "The World Inside" This is his fifth book I believe about what goes on in the White House between 2006 - 2008. Thomas L. Friedman speaking about his book "Flat, Warm and Crowded" which I'm reading now. And for some light satire I'm reading Christopher Buckley's of "Thank You for Smoking" fame "Boomsday". It's great!

I spoke with my love for an hour this evening. We usually talk that long every evening. I was telling her about UFO on Primetime ABC that I reported. It was mainly old stuff. Hell, I thought by now they might have interviewed a real live extraterestrial being! Cool! I wouldn't mind seeing a UFO..you know at a safe distance. The show spoke of five police officers who witnessed and taped a UFO neary where I lived at the time I lived there. Cool!

Now, I'm watching recorded DVR Project Earth and these scientist are trying to capture wind from the atmosphere about a mile up where all the weather and wind resides. They were successful on creating a workable turbine to generate wind power.

It's late... need to go! Must run in the mornning before art class. I ate too much today.. so must redeem myself.

Sent her email

describing how my big mouth ends up making me feel worried that she would tell me good bye. She is very sweet and deserves so much more. I will watch my thoughts and words from now on. And really it probably had nothing to do with her. I was probably just wired and grabby.

I'm tired but too excited about the wonderful events of the day I recently posted in the previous entry.

I thank the universe for my many gifts and blessings of love, safety, good health, flexibility, strong body and healthy body and mind. I love to learn. For now it's the sax. Through the winter I may learn Spanish. I plan on reading more. I just need more hours in the day. I'm trying to find time to read Thomas L. Friedman's "Hot, Flat and Crowded". A great read!

Please consider what is happening economically and monetarily to Americans and please vote Democratic in November! Stock market trading was as low today as in 2006. We are at an all time low.. hopefully Obama will get us out of this Bush mess and over see and place regulations on these "let's see how we can rip them off today" corporations. Yes, I believe that they need to be reined in a bit; regulated

We are okay again..

Whew, that was close. I was very worried! But SHE called me this afternoon wanting to come over. I was excited. We had wonderful intimacy. Then decided to go to a movie and saw "Burn after reading" with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, McDermand (when I think of her first name, I'll fill it in).

The movie was entertaining and without a clue as to what would happen next - until all the parties began merging. Snacks were great! My companion, wonderful! Priceless.

I'm so glad we are back in sync. I'll think twice for sure next time before I open my ignorant mouth.

She loves me and I love her.

After the movie went strolled into Macey's so she could check out the Dockers. She picked two pair and we wandered over to the fitting room. There was a blue strapped, empire waist cute till number in the stall when we got in there. She tried on her pants and selected one pair that she wanted to buy. She checked and the dress was a medium. She thought it would be fun to try it on. I certainly encouraged her as I pulled out my iphone ready to click pictures. We laughed and laughed. First she then me. We had a blast and we each struggled to get out of the dress. I told her that I used to get all dressed up in my young days. I commented that dresses are so much easier now that they have built in bras and slips. NO more struggles. Made me want to dress up and go somewhere fanciful. She looked good with her cleveage. I had fun trying to show my off too while acting girlist and silly as she snapped photos.

We came home then still laughing about the evening and the fun, wonderful day, we had. We caught up on SNL with Michael Philips.

What a wonderful senuous afternoon and fun evening..

our relationship

of a couple of months has now elevated to nip picking. So who started first? I have no dish drain in my sink and I don't use a sponge. That was early on..

I now have reciprocated by suggesting she at least drive 70 instead of 60 in a 70 MPH speed zone when all others are driving 75 MPH. Too slow is a hindrance. And how was MLP only shortly ahead of us near home when she zoomed by at a least 75? They must have stopped.

Anyway, my words went unnoticed..she drove 60 on the dot...well at times near 65 I only peeped over at the dial twice - really! I say nothing. I listened to NPR.

So, I only know when I am nip picked I may lose sexual interest and I feel boxed in. I feel I can't be myself! I snipped back when in the dark of early morning she as I rooted through my luggage that I was looking for this or looking for that. Why does everyone watch and comment on my every move? I can't stand that!

Is that what a relationship consists of - monitoring and commenting on my every single simple action? What are you doing now! Where are you? It's like damn!

I get so tired of over looking every one's little nagging faults. For example I have this one "friend" that every time she sees me she has a comment about my appearance and it's usually negative. "You look tired" or "Your face is puffy". I know her mother is the same way - must be. She is her mother. And she is the same one who declares "It's hot in here" and swings the door wide open. The hell with everyone else - I'm hot! Talk about inconsiderate! I'd rather be a damn hermit then to have to take this stuff on an on going bases. As it is, I see her rarely and invite her less! Me! Me! Me1

At least I do Me! Me! Me! alone! - most of the time. I'm beginning to love my company more and more. So, what!

I've never met her but I see my girl friend's mother in her! I said I would make chili if you swing by the store and I'll get ground beef. "You have chicken breast left over to eat". (and little did I know she wasn't even going to hang around to eat) Oh yeah! Guess I'll get chili fixings tomorrow (yeah, when you're not around!} Like what's the big deal. She was on a tight budget when she was a kid I guess?

Frankly I think I should push her buttons every now and then to really see just what lies under that girlish appearance.

She can be very loving. I might have ruined that. At this very moment she may be withdrawing - or am I? I started the process I believe when I snapped at her.. and of course she reciprocated. She was pushing me and I pushed back.. so now the pushy and retaliating begins. I have never seen one yet that doesn't strike right back - it's like it's just waiting there. Like they want it to happen.. so they needle you till you explode.

It's all a test you know. She is really suspecting the negative and pushes to get it. Yet she defended her ex in a heartbeat.

I just can't take people directing me every moment. Do it this way! Why not do it this way! Hey, I made it to this age just fine. I can't stand it! It that what relationships are all about. Ridicule and suggestions? They know better than me? They do everything better than me? Or they are always needing something. This one isn't needing something all the time..but. Growing up I learned to do everything myself. I learned that I couldn't really depend on anyone. I learned that I had to fend for myself.

I guess I am not relationship material. Oh I like sex and affection and loving. Why can't they just mind their own business when it comes to the petty crap. Maybe I don't want you constant opinion.

I finally fired back with the speed limit thing because she had the audacity to make fun of me not ever taking the highway..like she's some professional driver. Then to my amazement she diligently persistently only drives ten MPH under the speed limit on a wide open, no traffic, highway. What is with that?

My ex of course was the same way. But immediately I found her "things" charming. I still care about her very much and can't imagine my life without her. I might have made a very huge mistake.

Oh well, I'm not complaining. Maybe I just don't get people! I was raised by assholes and was alone most of the time. So there you are not that I'm making legitimate excuses.

And people are so consistent year after year - the same thing. I wished I lived in a cocoon, my own little world, where I had observation blinders on and didn't "see" any of their idiosyncrasies.

All this being said I'm punishing myself today and worried about my mouth. I'm worried about my heart too and hoping that I am not losing interest or jepordizing my relationship. I fear that I am. She has lost that loving edge. It sure doesn't take much. They can dish it out but can't take it and that is all that it boils down too. Right away I was labeled a whiner. Oh, I guess she calls it teasing. It would be said that I was too sensitive. Well, I take it for a couple of months and then I strike back and their loving feeling is gone.

"I'm not used to be talked to like that!" Well, I'm not used to having my every move scrutinized and commented upon. I know I should say something right away..but I know. And if you say it kidding they don't hear it. There are so things I ask her not to talk about yet she continues to bring them up time and time again. These are my personal things. She should learn to bug off when it comes to them.

So, that is what I get for being tolerant of other's feelings. I hold off and then it builds up and I explode. I'm hoping it wasn't so extreme. It's nice to have a relationship with some one. Someone you can do things with. But, why must they right-away attempt (although maybe subconsciously) into someone more like they are? Why does it have to be so hard? Can't they (we) continue to act towards each other like we act toward our friends? No, because we think we have invested more. Sex, separates us from our friends. Oh, intimacy!