our relationship

of a couple of months has now elevated to nip picking. So who started first? I have no dish drain in my sink and I don't use a sponge. That was early on..

I now have reciprocated by suggesting she at least drive 70 instead of 60 in a 70 MPH speed zone when all others are driving 75 MPH. Too slow is a hindrance. And how was MLP only shortly ahead of us near home when she zoomed by at a least 75? They must have stopped.

Anyway, my words went unnoticed..she drove 60 on the dot...well at times near 65 I only peeped over at the dial twice - really! I say nothing. I listened to NPR.

So, I only know when I am nip picked I may lose sexual interest and I feel boxed in. I feel I can't be myself! I snipped back when in the dark of early morning she as I rooted through my luggage that I was looking for this or looking for that. Why does everyone watch and comment on my every move? I can't stand that!

Is that what a relationship consists of - monitoring and commenting on my every single simple action? What are you doing now! Where are you? It's like damn!

I get so tired of over looking every one's little nagging faults. For example I have this one "friend" that every time she sees me she has a comment about my appearance and it's usually negative. "You look tired" or "Your face is puffy". I know her mother is the same way - must be. She is her mother. And she is the same one who declares "It's hot in here" and swings the door wide open. The hell with everyone else - I'm hot! Talk about inconsiderate! I'd rather be a damn hermit then to have to take this stuff on an on going bases. As it is, I see her rarely and invite her less! Me! Me! Me1

At least I do Me! Me! Me! alone! - most of the time. I'm beginning to love my company more and more. So, what!

I've never met her but I see my girl friend's mother in her! I said I would make chili if you swing by the store and I'll get ground beef. "You have chicken breast left over to eat". (and little did I know she wasn't even going to hang around to eat) Oh yeah! Guess I'll get chili fixings tomorrow (yeah, when you're not around!} Like what's the big deal. She was on a tight budget when she was a kid I guess?

Frankly I think I should push her buttons every now and then to really see just what lies under that girlish appearance.

She can be very loving. I might have ruined that. At this very moment she may be withdrawing - or am I? I started the process I believe when I snapped at her.. and of course she reciprocated. She was pushing me and I pushed back.. so now the pushy and retaliating begins. I have never seen one yet that doesn't strike right back - it's like it's just waiting there. Like they want it to happen.. so they needle you till you explode.

It's all a test you know. She is really suspecting the negative and pushes to get it. Yet she defended her ex in a heartbeat.

I just can't take people directing me every moment. Do it this way! Why not do it this way! Hey, I made it to this age just fine. I can't stand it! It that what relationships are all about. Ridicule and suggestions? They know better than me? They do everything better than me? Or they are always needing something. This one isn't needing something all the time..but. Growing up I learned to do everything myself. I learned that I couldn't really depend on anyone. I learned that I had to fend for myself.

I guess I am not relationship material. Oh I like sex and affection and loving. Why can't they just mind their own business when it comes to the petty crap. Maybe I don't want you constant opinion.

I finally fired back with the speed limit thing because she had the audacity to make fun of me not ever taking the highway..like she's some professional driver. Then to my amazement she diligently persistently only drives ten MPH under the speed limit on a wide open, no traffic, highway. What is with that?

My ex of course was the same way. But immediately I found her "things" charming. I still care about her very much and can't imagine my life without her. I might have made a very huge mistake.

Oh well, I'm not complaining. Maybe I just don't get people! I was raised by assholes and was alone most of the time. So there you are not that I'm making legitimate excuses.

And people are so consistent year after year - the same thing. I wished I lived in a cocoon, my own little world, where I had observation blinders on and didn't "see" any of their idiosyncrasies.

All this being said I'm punishing myself today and worried about my mouth. I'm worried about my heart too and hoping that I am not losing interest or jepordizing my relationship. I fear that I am. She has lost that loving edge. It sure doesn't take much. They can dish it out but can't take it and that is all that it boils down too. Right away I was labeled a whiner. Oh, I guess she calls it teasing. It would be said that I was too sensitive. Well, I take it for a couple of months and then I strike back and their loving feeling is gone.

"I'm not used to be talked to like that!" Well, I'm not used to having my every move scrutinized and commented upon. I know I should say something right away..but I know. And if you say it kidding they don't hear it. There are so things I ask her not to talk about yet she continues to bring them up time and time again. These are my personal things. She should learn to bug off when it comes to them.

So, that is what I get for being tolerant of other's feelings. I hold off and then it builds up and I explode. I'm hoping it wasn't so extreme. It's nice to have a relationship with some one. Someone you can do things with. But, why must they right-away attempt (although maybe subconsciously) into someone more like they are? Why does it have to be so hard? Can't they (we) continue to act towards each other like we act toward our friends? No, because we think we have invested more. Sex, separates us from our friends. Oh, intimacy!